reflections on being a reflector, a 9, a gemini.

For the longest time, I felt like I was a thousand different people wrapped up in one body.

I can chameleon and morph into whatever the social situation that I’m in calls for. I can inherently sense how other people want me to show up and become that—I can tell what kind of person I need to be in order to be accepted as part of the group.

While it’s a gift sometimes, it leads to a feeling of not really knowing who I am, what I want.

This always made me feel crazy because I could just become whatever people wanted. I could like certain things or feel a certain way, depending on who was around and what their energy felt like.

I thought I was fake, I thought I was flighty, I thought I wasn’t a whole person. I’ve been writing about the different “versions” of me, the splits I feel in my personality, since I began writing creative nonfiction many moons ago.

Who is Courtney?

How to remain myself? How to know myself?

When I discovered tools like the Enneagram and Human Design, I felt seen for the first time—and look, I know these kinds of “personality systems” seem “woo” or even like total BS.

But… if it helps you move closer to self-acceptance and understanding, is that really so bad?

Human Design combines modern science with ancient modalities and uses your birth information to help you understand how your energy is unique and how you should best intuit decisions. It’s complex as heck and you can go deep with it. There are five main energy types. I recommend all things Jenna Zoe for more information about Human Design and pulling your chart.

The Enneagram consists of nine fundamental personality types and is a development of modern psychology that has roots in spiritual wisdom from many ancient traditions. I recommend Tracy O’Malley for more information about what the Enneagram is, getting typed, etc.

I’m a Reflector energy type in Human Design, and an Enneagram 9 (the “peacemaker, healer, comforter”). I’m also a Gemini sun in Astrology.

Those are just words, facts about me.

But really, the deeper I’ve gone into all three, the more I’ve felt less crazy. Less flighty. Less fake.

because really, learning more about these systems has made me feel so validated, so understood.

Simply put, Enneagram 9’s just want peace—in themselves, but mostly for others. They want everyone to feel comfortable and they’re highly intuitive about group energy. They are the chameleons, the people who can keep harmony by disappearing in group settings or being the one that unites everyone. This desire can lead to a ton of masking, people-pleasing, and repression of true self.

Hello, my entire life.

Reflectors are similar in that they absorb ALL of the energy of people and places around them. They are super open to conditioning from others and can change from moment to moment to adapt to the environment. They are described as fluid beings who mirror back whatever they’re shown.

Hello, it’s me, once again.

And we all know about Gemini. Two-faced, the twins. A quick Google search will reveal the words “versatile” and “adapting easily to different situations.”

I mean… there’s a clear pattern.

Since discovering these tools, I’ve spent the last two years trying to dig past all of this adapting, all of this chameleon-ing, all of this fluidity of fitting in and absorbing what other people want me to be. I’ve tried to excavate my soul to understand who I am and what I actually want and think underneath it all.

It’s been a journey to try to release the energy of others and tune into my own true, authentic energy.

One way that this has shown up for me recently is the realization that I’ve had about my ability to connect with others.

For a long time, I always thought that I was not an open person. I’m always described as the “good listener,” the friend that is there with a shoulder or an ear whenever you need it. And while I love that about myself, it comes at the price of never being the person that’s doing the talking.

I have a really hard time seeking help or opening up about my life, my problems, my desires unless I’m explicitly asked about them.

I am not that friend that will tell you what’s going on in my life, that will reach out to complain about something, or that will seek advice at the risk of “bothering” you.

I’ve always beat myself up about this—believing that there was something wrong with me for not being able to connect with people in the way that I deeply wanted to. Because the truth is, I want to be seen by others and I want them to know about my life, but I’ve always had blocks about proactively starting those conversations.

But really, it’s because my energy craves being invited in. I want to know that people care about my thoughts and opinions before I share them. When that invitation doesn’t come, I have a really hard time offering up pieces of myself. It’s something that I’ve learned Reflectors and 9’s struggle with. In fact, they say the best way you can support a 9 is by asking them questions, inquiring about their lives, and giving space for their opinions, feelings, thoughts. And it’s said that Reflectors thrive most in communities where it’s explicitly made clear that they’re cherished and that their voice is valued.

I can be open when the right people invite me in.

That’s just one way that I’ve learned to understand myself and my tendencies more deeply by using these systems. And with that awareness, I can change when necessary; I can honor it when necessary.

It’s a gift that I’m a Reflector, a 9, a Gemini. I have the capacity to hold space for multiple sides of every story and experience. I can empathize with and understand almost every perspective. I intuitively and deeply understand where people are coming from, even when they don’t say it.

A creative writing teacher and mentor that I had in college once told me that she thinks I have a unique ability to understand and see people in a way that others can’t—in a way that they can’t even see themselves.

She’s right. And I treasure that about myself now.

these tools and systems aren’t about validating your “flaws”; they’re about better understanding your root, your soul, and working with that knowledge to show up as the best version of yourself.

Are you into these kinds of tools? If so, I’d love to chat with you about them and how they show up in your life! And if you’re not familiar at all, but interested, hit me up! One of my favorite things about being human is how we’re all so different and process the world in such unique ways.

Holding space for that is necessary now more than ever.