calling myself out: letting fear run the show.

I'll start with an image:

I don’t usually start with a photo, but it feels relevant to open this reflection with it. This aura photo was taken of me in December 2023. When I had my analysis done, the woman noted that the yellow around me encompasses my natural, radiant energy. My free spirit. My UNSUSPECTING leadership abilities. The green moving in represents new entrepreneurial ideas and the opportunity to be successful in new ventures that are on my heart. The red is asking me to ground in my passions and be courageous while the orange is an invitation to take risks and approach new adventures with child-like wonder. I reflect on this photo now and it all makes sense. The universe has been nudging me down this path. And the rainbows that happened to appear as I took this photo of a photo, now in October 2024, confirm that I’m right where I need to be on my journey. It took almost a year, but I see the connections now. I see how it is all coming together.

I am scared to start. I am scared to fail. I am scared to embrace a new identity for myself.

That identity is: A teacher. A guide. A facilitator. A leader.

I am more comfortable letting other people shine and reflecting their light. I am not comfortable being the source of the light, shining on others.

There’s something about standing in front of a group of people and claiming the role of teacher or “expert” that freaks me out.

Imposter syndrome takes over.

I start sweating in weird places, my heart feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest, my face flushes red, and my voice shakes.

I don’t believe that any of us ever really reach “peak expertise.” I believe we’re always learning and evolving. Thus, we’re only ever teaching from a place of our understanding on a certain subject at any exact moment in time.

We are just cumulations of our gathered knowledge, lived experience, and life situations.

When I look at it like that, it’s almost like a sigh of relief.

Exhale.

Of course I can teach and lead and guide. I have been picking up pieces of wisdom, knowledge, and experience for the past twenty-nine years. I have studied and practiced. I have earned degrees and certifications. I have read and written and lived.

My fear and paralyzing imposter syndrome isn’t real.

I know that. AND YET, it’s the idea of being a beginner and synthesizing all of that knowledge into a course or into a class that scares me.

It scares me because I haven’t done it before, at least not for an audience.

In the funny way of the universe, as I’ve carried this fear around with me, I keep seeing quotes about this very topic.

“Be brave enough to suck at something new.”

"The beginner has wisdom that the expert does not.”

“In the beginner’s mind, there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind, there are few.”

“Courage is fear walking.”

I keep collecting these quotes and tucking them away into my soul and hoping that at some point they integrate and I’ll be ready to start.

Only, I’ll never be ready to start.

I have to just START. I have to be brave enough to step into this new identity, even though I might suck at it at first.

📚 my first course as a professor.

I’m teaching an Introduction to Publishing Studies course one night a week at my alma mater this coming spring semester, which is the epitome of claiming the “teacher” role for myself.

I’ve spent my entire career in publishing. Of course I can do it and of course I’ll love every second of it. I don’t doubt my ability to put together a course and spread my knowledge and joy of publishing to college students.

But the fear of being a beginner is still there.

✨ becoming a movement facilitator.

I’ve also been putting off actually facilitating my own SoulFlow™ embodiment class. I got certified as a facilitator at the end of August, and completed all the steps to get added to the official website (so cool—check me out under the Master Facilitators!).

I feel deeply called to guiding people back into their bodies and becoming more in tune with their internal worlds. I want to do that so badly. I have always wanted to lead this kind of dance/meditation fusion class—even since I was a little girl.

And I’m finally at a place where I know I CAN.

But I’m still scared.

I’m scared because I’ve never done it before. I’m scared of “messing up.” I’m scared of saying the wrong thing, people thinking I’m weird, or going into full shut down and forgetting everything I’ve learned.

If there’s one thing I know to be true, it’s that good things can only happen when you push yourself outside your comfort zone. You can only be surprised by your own magic when you try something new.

When you are brave enough to suck at something new.

When you’re courageous enough to walk through the fear and do it anyway.

I’ve been sewing and crafting my parachute and there are no more holes left to fill.

it’s time to jump.

So, I guess this is my commitment to just starting.

Thank you for holding space for my fear and rambling here. It’s cathartic to let this out and be seen in this.

Let’s do the scary things. We’ll all be better for it.