holding the duality of life.

My car was hit while I was driving to Adam’s grandmother’s house last month.

I am okay, the woman who hit me is okay.

I was happily listening to my favorite playlist and enjoying the breeze in my hair when she crashed into my passenger side, seemingly out of nowhere.

The most nauseating sound, the grinding of metal and plastic against metal and plastic.

Nana broke her arm the day before and Adam had stayed overnight to help her. He asked me to come over, bringing food and his laptop so he could work. (It was clear he was going to have to stay there all day, which was longer than he’d anticipated.)

it was a gorgeous day, the kind of fall day that somehow feels both crisp and warm.

After it happens, in the minutes, hours afterwards, my mind spirals on all of the decisions I could have made that would have placed me anywhere but at that exact spot on that exact road at that exact moment she hit me.

What if I saw Adam’s text message when it came through, instead of thirty minutes later?

What if I didn’t take time to make us both salads for lunch before heading out the door?

What if I stopped at Nothing Bundt Cakes on the way, a fleeting thought I had had, to add some sweetness to Adam and Nana’s day?

What if Nana came to our house, like Adam’s uncle originally suggested, instead of me convincing Adam to go there because she’d likely be more comfortable in a place she’s familiar with?

What if I turned down 29 Road instead of 29 1/2 Road?

What if I had meetings that day and couldn’t have gone over?

What if we were in California going to his friend’s wedding, happening the next day?

The rabbit hole of What ifs? was endless.

there were so many different versions of Courtney that I could have chosen to be that day.

Not a bad thing, not a good thing. Just is.

But I realize how quickly I am able to bring myself back from this spiraling because I’ve worked so hard to expand my capacity to hold both the hard things and the beautiful things.

Life is full of duality.

And it occurred to me that I couldn’t help but notice all of the blessings in this, too.

it sucks, AND.

…and no one was hurt. …and my car’s damage isn’t nearly as bad as it could be. …and no one had to be towed. …and Adam was a few streets away and could come support me. …and the street light was red, so we were both going 10 MPH or less. …and earlier that day I had a beautiful conversation with my yoga studio’s owner, got a new notebook, and received a lovely text message from a friend. …and Adam’s uncle left me a voicemail checking in on me at 1:11 p.m.…and the next day, I walked outside to a sunrise that made me physically gasp, a sunrise that looked like it was made just for me.

I think this accident would have taken me out a few years ago. It would have ruined my entire day, week, even month. And it’s not just because it’s annoying to deal with insurance and not having a car to drive, but it’s also because of how deeply I tend to love my cars. I realize it might be weird, but I get emotionally attached to them.

And I’m not ready to give this one up yet.

It hurts emotionally, too.

But I’ve expanded my capacity to hold the “hard.” I’ve worked intentionally on my ability to stay present and grounded, even when things suck.

Later that day, when The Office came on Nana’s TV as Adam and I sat next to each other working, I was able to laugh at the irony that the episode playing was the one where Michael runs Meredith down with his car.

It can suck, and I can still find laughter and gratitude.

Life is good.

xx

Court.

my beauty, in better days.