out of the mind and into the body.

Inhale, slow exhale. Feel your heart beating in your chest. Feel the smooth wood underneath your legs. Touch your fingers together to remind yourself that you’re a human, in a body, right now, living on a rock in space.

The moment doesn’t feel real.

It is lunchtime on the last full day of a writer’s retreat in Estes Park and a few of the girls have suggested that I lead an in-person SoulFlow™ embodiment class that night.

My first reaction is, Oh, fuck.

Since I got certified just under a year ago, I’ve wanted to lead in-person classes, but the opportunity hasn’t come along yet and I’ve been putting off inquiring about leading one somewhere.

It’s not nerves, not really. It’s the fear of judgment. The fear of being seen. The fear of being too woo or too out there. The fear of not knowing who might show up.

I can’t lead one here! It wasn’t part of what they signed up for. I don’t want to ruin the vibe or make things weird or throw off our schedule or make anyone feel like they have to participate if they don’t want to… or… what if I just completely panic and don’t know what to say?

Inhale, slow exhale. Feel your heart beating. Feel the smooth wood.

In my body, instead of my head, I tell them all about it. I tell them what it is, I tell them what they can expect, I answer their questions.

I close my eyes when it comes time for everyone to vote on if they want SoulFlow™ to be part of the retreat experience.

Feel your heart fluttering. Feel the bubbling under your skin.

Eyes open.

They voted yes.

On the first day of the retreat, we were prompted to journal about something that our inner wise voice has been whispering to us recently.

My pen moved before I could even think about it:

It’s time to stop running.

I didn’t know what it meant, I didn’t know where it came from. I didn’t feel like I was running from something specific in my life and I thought that I’d been doing a great job at taking action, letting myself be seen, and being more honest with myself.

I put it in the back of my mind and the retreat carried on.

Leading and holding space for nine of the most open, trusting, and vulnerable women has changed me on a cellular level.

Earlier during the retreat, I had pulled the Shark card out of the Animal Power card deck.

“Shark appears to help you find pure flow with the universe. Shark’s graceful, confident swim reminds you to stay open and adaptable, rather than resisting what life throws your way.”

What a permission slip to myself.

And I did. I let myself free-fall into the experience—totally trusting myself to lead mediation and movement in direct creation with something bigger than myself. Something ethereal, something ancient.

Not only do I finally understand what it means to let people see you, but I also understand something that I’ve always been resistant to about myself.

I am made up of woo-woo weirdness and magic. I am a channel to the Universe’s wisdom, connected to the stuff of the stars. I can deeply read energy and mirror back to people what they need.

I am that person that some people won’t understand or roll their eyes at.

And I think I’m finally okay with that. Open, confident, adaptable; not resistant.

I trusted all of those women to hold me, to see me, and they did. They embraced the experience fully and were open to the transformation. They were open to moving energy and re-connecting with their bodies.

I have no idea what I said during the forty minutes.

In our reflections afterwards, one of them shared back something I had said. And something clicked into place when I heard it:

“If you don’t feel safe with people you trust, where else could you?”

I had been resistant to showing myself—even in groups that I fully trust—because I was afraid of judgment. I had been running from letting Courtney show in a group. Like, really letting her show.

By leading this session, with moonlight sneaking into the room, I trusted the people around me and just let myself be there.

And that’s the point of SoulFlow™ after all—out of the mind and into the body.

I got out of my mind and let my body lead the show. Fully embodied, fully safe in that room.

I finally led an in-person SoulFlow™.

I stopped running.

And I’m proud.

xx

Court