rooted in intuition.

My heart thuds so hard I can feel it in my ears.

I have nervous energy coursing through my body. My knee bounces up and down while my foot twitches. I want to stand up and shake it out, release all this energy, but I try to keep myself still.

I spent the last ten months as a student in a certification program called Rooted, a coaching certification to become a somatic practitioner through a curriculum of body-based modalities including somatic experiencing, Internal Family Systems, Polyvagal Theory, and somatic parts work. Taught by Andee Love, Rooted asks you to be a student of the work first, before learning how to hold the space for others.

my time in the program taught me about tracking my own body’s awareness.

As I sit in this retreat room in San Diego now, with three other women in my cohort, I am hyper aware of my body.

This retreat experience, the capstone part of the program, is where we try on the “practitioner” hat for the first time.

We are at the part where I now have to facilitate a somatic session with someone else.

Out loud. While everyone else watches.

Nervous, anxious, freaking the fuck out.

What if I freeze and don’t know what to say? What if I suck? What if it’s so bad they make me stop? What if I forget everything I’ve learned?

These thoughts swirl in my physical body like a tornado, manifesting in what feels like electricity under my skin.

Our chairs are all arranged in a circle, with a tapestry that looks like swirling water at our feet, surrounded by cloud-like pillows and blankets and essential oils and flowers. It’s serene. I sit in a chair while watching Andee on the floor, explaining something out of the program’s manual. I have no idea what, because I can’t focus on her when there’s an internal tornado happening.

My eyes lift when I notice something outside the large windows that overlook a courtyard. I see a figure that looks like a possum dart behind the bench.

“Possum!” I shout, because I need somewhere to direct my energy, and I know they’ll all appreciate some animal magic.

Everyone looks up and squeals. “Where?!”

When he peeks out from the bench, everyone admires his size, his mere existence.

“Someone look up what possums symbolize.”

I open Google and immediately see:Possums symbolize resourcefulness and the ability to listen to your intuition, to trust your adaptability and inherent wisdom.

I laugh. Intuition. It’s what Andee said yesterday was the thing we should listen to when guiding these sessions. That our intuition would know the right way to navigate a client’s experience.

It’s the word that my friend Alyson kept saying after she did Reiki on me earlier that week. Your guides kept me telling me that you need to allow yourself to dream big and trust your intuition. Your intuition is trying to speak to you.

it’s the very concept that led me to this room to begin with.

I enrolled in Rooted because something inside me was saying, It’s time. My intuition nudged me in this direction, even though I wasn’t exactly sure why. I don’t know if I want to be a somatic practitioner that takes clients. I don’t know exactly what comes next after this certification.

I just knew something told me I had to do it.

And now there’s a possum and I decide to follow the sign.

I do the practice session and let my intuition guide me.

---

I flew away from California and the retreat with a sense of peace. I did the scary thing and am still alive.

I let myself be vulnerable with five other women and no one made fun of me. In fact, they celebrated and saw me.

A part of my sister wound healed on that retreat—the wound that so many women carry inside that female friendships aren’t safe. I felt understood, supported, and heard in that circle. I was allowed to grow. And everyone else was growing alongside me.

I still have a long way to go with being fully comfortable having a group’s attention on me, my body forever trembling like the energy inside might explode out, but each step I take brings me closer to peace.

and each time I listen to my intuition, I trust myself one percent more.

I still don’t know what will come out of this certification. I have demonstration hours to submit, along with reflections and short-answer responses, before I officially graduate the program. But my desire to study somatics and to bring people into their bodies is strong. And I’m following that nudge.

I don’t know where it’s leading me, but I’m open to the magic.

and I’ve found that openness is where most magical possibilities live.

Dreams come true in openness. And openness requires releasing control. And releasing control brings a sense of ease.

So, I’m just on the journey.

And feeling it all along the way.

xx,

Court.